Please don't laugh at Helen Keller jokes.

Laughter has gotten me through a pretty rough weekend. People were weird. I was weird. People showed up that I didn't expect, some that I didn't welcome. Even my broad shoulders can bear only so much weight. Enough was enough.

So that lasted, I dunno, a few hours. I turned off my phone, my computer, effectively shutting myself off from folks. And I would have been content to be in a foul mood, if not for the wonder of On Demand.

I turned on a flick called The Matador, with Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear. I laughed until I cried tears. I swear, the movie is on par with Coming to America. And once I laughed I was fine.

After, Necessary Roughness came on HBO. Scott Bakula, Sinbad, football and the style of 1991. I was done. I was back.

Anyways.... Today was a pretty productive day, and throughout the day into the evening, I spent time trying to recall the funniest things ever. What's the funniest thing I've ever heard?

If you know me, if you have spent any time with me, then it's pretty likely that we've sat somewhere, probably around a table, putting our lives on the line, talking, laughing, holding our stomachs, choking and almost dying.

But what was it? I remember the laughter, but not the punchline.

Back in high school, my high school clique, The Lunch Mobb would organize "You Sit Down, You Get Clowned", usually after school at Sizzler. The rules were simple. You sit down. You get clowned. And it was the funniest thing ever. The Dozens times infinity, cuz a lot of it was real.

"Man, shuddup. You can't talk, you got doused with milk in the cafeteria during lunch. MILK CHECK, BIOTCH!"

This would continue until we were nauseous from eating waaaaay too much all-you-can-eat shrimp, and laughing hysterically for hours upon end.

Yeah, we were savage.


This is a photo from the infamous Winter Ball.
The moment it was over.... It Was On.

Nation's Restaurant. In suits. With dates. Clowning.

And I know I have never laughed so hard in my life. I still laugh now thinking about it, but I can't remember what the hell was said, other than that the humor was at somebody else's expense.

In LA. In Oakland. In Chicago, New York, Vegas. Philly, Cairo, Barcelona.

Since I can't remember what was said, I figured I'd type out something you should NEVER laugh at.

Helen Keller jokes. Not as bad as dead baby jokes.

If you laugh at these, you are going to hell. If you even snicker. Over.


Remember, don't laugh.

What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side of her face?
They called back.

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.

How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
Reading the waffle iron.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

How come she didn't scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was 'Urghrrghrghr'.

How come Helen Keller can't have kids??
Because she's DEAD!

What did Helen Keller's parent's do to punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.
They put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
They washed her hands out with soap.
They glued doorknobs to the walls.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?
Because she was a woman.

How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
Trying to read stop signs.

Define true love.
Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard?
Neither did she.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date.

How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.

(Before you send me an email or text messages attempting to "check" me on this in any way, please know that I will Photoshop pictures of you, place you in compromising positions with compromising people, and then create a brand new Myspace page with them.)