Dropping The Hammer

I got this text message the other night....

"U make me feel so inferior and unworthy. Do I really deserve someone like you?"

And after sitting on that message for a couple of minutes.... The honest answer is No.

It's gotten to the point that statements like this no longer shock me. Before 2005, I had only one woman tell me that I made her doubt herself. Feel inadequate. This was in the course of a relationship that realistically should have ended in matrimony. If not for her own insecurities.

But since the bomb dropped on January 1st.... I have had 6 individual women tell me on completely separate occasions, point-blank these words.

"I am afraid that I am not good enough for you."

(of course... God being GOD, "What A Fool Believes" by The Doobie Brothers plays at this EXACT moment.... changing the direction of the blog)

Recently... I was seeing somebody for awhile. And it was nice. She was so PRETTY and so smart, and spunky, so energetic, vibrant... So full of "We're going to go HERE and we're going to do THIS!"

She came to the gym to watch me play basketball, we worked out together, ate late-night sushi. We took day trips and long drives. She roller-skated (where we met) and reggae danced. She came to the fight parties, I met her family, she met my friends. Things were nice....

"I want to have your babies" she casually said one day. "You have such beautiful skin... We would have such beautiful brown babies."

She inquired about Islam, my religion, my way of life... living as a Muslim. She asked... playfully, albeit, if I would marry her. She gave up pork by our 3rd date. She changed her style of dress. Altering her behavior, her appearance, and quite POSSIBLY (but not verified) changed her opinions.

Within the last couple of years, I had been saying to people, "I can not be flattered, I am immune to it".

I was wrong.

I was extremely flattered. Moved. I even began feeling a sense of "Loyalty" towards this Sista, I mean.... it's not often that you actually find someone who says "MAKE ME INTO WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!"

It wasn't until after a conversation with a dear, close friend that I came to a few conclusions.

1. I do not want anyone that I have to change. This includes manipulating, guilt-tripping, convincing, reverse psychology and peer pressure. Yeah, I'm good at them.... but I take no pleasure in it.

2. I do not want to be right all of the time. I am Facts vs your Opinions,and only the most obstinate of retards (read: general American public) would stand behind an Opinion solely based on "How I feel" when the facts contradict your entire BEING. Subjects include: Iraq, Racism, Politics, Militarism, Hip-Pop and the Black Community, The Decline of Morality...

3. I do not want to be in a relationship that I am doing 100% of the teaching. Why?
Because it breeds feelings of Contempt. We all have a need to be stimulated, not just in our Ego, but FEED MY MIND.

So.... when I called her, and told her that I'm not gonna see her any longer, that I do not see a future in this "relationship"

An outpouring (perhaps an onslaught) of emotion and self-doubt. She didn't think that I thought that she was "good enough".... which in the end came back out as "No... I don't think I'm good enough for you, BUT I CAN CHANGE! Haven't you seen me change? Can't you give me credit for trying????"

What I learned, like really truly learned, like the whole moral of the story, the life lesson, "Jerry's Final Thought"... is that I can never, ever, ever settle.
Even if I wanted to.
Because with whomever I would settle.... She would know that I am settling. And her insecurities, her self-doubt, her shortcomings... would all begin to boil and bubble.

Cuz apparently.... I'm really good at that, without even trying.



And if you call yourself interested in me.... ya know, in that special way... and you send mixed messages, or you are inconsistent and think that I am supposed to ASSUME that you feel a certain way, or you wish to be anything other than upfront and forward... Please do note.

Whatever you see in me, others see.
Whatever you know about me, others know.
Whatever you like about me, others like.

So if you have an opportunity... if "we" are a possibility... do not waste it with "games" of hot and cold, or back and forth. Don't get distracted. Don't not be sincere. Don't make me have to guess. Or doubt.


I am accused often of being difficult. Go figure. Me?
"You're just too _______"

Judgmental
Secretive
Private
Quiet
Mean
Opinionated
Arrogant
Overwhelming
Unforgiving
Vindictive

Before you, as an outsider wish to tell ME about myself.... perhaps you should ask somebody who knows me. Yes... there are a few even on MySpace. *head nod*

I stand by my BRAND NEW catch phrase.....

"It's not me.... it's you."